The Devil’s Dictionary – Lifting

A long time ago a friend introduced me to Ambrose Pierce’s Devil’s Dictionary which was equal parts awesome and hilarious. I’m not really in the mood to talk about anything of substance this week, so this is my attempt at some humor. Be prepared for a heavy dose of sarcasm and if this offends you, get a sense of humor. None of us are getting out of this life alive. Without further ado, a few definitions for different terms in the area of sports:

Raw lifting: Utilizing only; shoes, belts, sleeves, and wraps to lift as heavy as possible. This is the type of lifting you do if you are afraid of lifting something that is truly heavy.

Equipped lifting: Utilizing the same stuff as raw lifters only now with lifting suits and shirts. This is the type of lifting you do if you are afraid of lifting something that is heavy without the help of your underwear.

Unilateral training: What you preach makes people strong when you are actually hurt and can’t lift heavy.

Olympic lifters: people who aren’t actually strong, but like to make people think they are by jumping weights overhead and constantly looking for a way to fix their technique that doesn’t involve getting stronger.

Power lifters: people who aren’t actually strong, but like being fat and having excuses for being big. They are constantly looking for equipment to make them lift more without training to make themselves actually stronger. Likely to have some type of Nordic or otherwise motivational tattoo.

Strongmen/women: people who aren’t actually strong, but like to move weird and random shit. They are constantly looking for ways to cheat weights up or wrap themselves in a neoprene body suit

Crossfitters: people who aren’t actually strong, but like to move the goal posts and ask you about your “Fran time”. It can only be assumed this is referring to a rodeo like experience. They are constantly looking for ways to share their training on social media and indoctrinate others in to their cult

Bodybuilders: people who aren’t actually strong, but like to look at themselves in the mirror. They are typically approximately 100 weeks out of being stage ready, but they carry around gallon jugs of water and are honest about not really being strong and being very vain, unlike other lifters (as in every other lifter). 90% likelihood of a bicep tattoo or tribal tattoo.

Men’s Physique competitors: Figure competitors, because who needs legs anyways?

Powerbuilders: people who aren’t actually strong, and are the illegitimate child of powerlifting and bodybuilding. They suck equally at both, but like to think they are at least mediocre at each (they aren’t).

Natural lifter: someone making excuses for not being big and strong because “they don’t do steroids”. Highly likely to not be able to squat twice bodyweight and post on internet forums that anyone who does must use steroids.

False-Natty: someone who says they don’t do steroids but suspicious gains 20 pounds of muscle in a month while proclaiming it was simply squats and milk. Also, the “backne” is just genetic, totally not a side effect.

Geared lifter: Someone who uses steroids to get bigger and stronger. Highly likely to never have been a great lifter without drugs, but likes to post on the internet about how “people couldn’t do what they do”, which is true since those folks don’t do steroids.

High bar back squatting: the method of squatting that angels and Jesus promote and the only way to be a good Olympic lifter

Low bar back squatting: the method of squatting used by demons and Baal which destroys any lifter it touches and destroys any chance of winning for Olympic lifters.

Deadlifting: a movement that will cause your spine to both explode and disintegrate at the same time. It is like looking in to the Ark of the Covenant. There will be no survivors.

Sumo deadlifting: half a deadlift.

Bench press: the most American lift, it involves laying down first and then moving weight through a small range of motion. Still people find ways to cheat this as much as possible and like to regulate it as much as possible, also very American.

Press: Also known as standing press, military press, and stupid. This is the way you make your shoulders explode much like the deadlift. Should be avoided at all costs since simply lifting your hand above shoulder level is dangerous and will destroy your shoulder and kill your mother. You have been warned.

Barbell hip thrusts: The dumbest exercise ever created second only to the shake weight.

Foam rolling – things you do to help you avoid real training.

Dynamic stretching – things you do to help you avoid real training.

Lacrosse ball rolling – instead of playing a sport with the ball, roll around it. Who needs to be an athlete when you can treat the scar tissue produced from training once?

Snatch – a movement to never just google without the word “barbell” in front of it, never look at the google images here. Olympic lifters do this, so it can’t be that hard.

Power Snatch – What you do when you suck and can’t actually do a snatch right.

Muscle Snatch – When you suck even more than the people that power snatch. This is when you can’t bend at all and really aren’t athletic. Pretty much just freestyle lifting.

Clean and jerk – once again not a sexual euphemism, but be careful about seeing google images on this one. Another Olympic lifting movement that involves other sexual double entendre like “rack position”, “ass to grass”, “split jerk”, and “squat jerk”. This might be some strange type of fetish.

Power clean – Read power snatch.

Muscle clean – another word for overhand curls, with dynamic hip action.

Thruster – A movement in crossfit that prepares someone for vigorous procreation, however it is somehow related to “Fran” so many questions remain.

Kilos – a unit of measure that is not ‘Merican, but people use it for things other than cocaine. I don’t understand.

Kettlebell – A weird Russian implement you use instead of heavy barbells to rationalize your fear of actually lifting something heavy.

Bosu Ball – Meant for use as a toy in the bedroom and instead used as another way to avoid real training that is actually going to make you better.

Physioball – Those big air filled balls that the annoying person you work with sits on all day and talks about how great it is. Just another way to make yourself feel better about how you don’t work hard like eating 100 calorie packs. Because when you eat 100 calories packs you are still eating shit food.

Kettlebell swings – slightly better than a hip thrust, but this is like saying you are slightly less moronic. At the end of the day you are still a moron.

Summary

I hope that this was slightly entertaining for you folks. This was all meant as a big joke. I use/fall in to nearly every category I brought up here, except the bosu ball, I don’t use those since I have standards. Thanks for taking the time to read it and if you think I should ever do this again let me know.

Max and I
Have a sense of humor folks. Picture from strongman back in the day with Max, myself, and the creeper in the center.
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